Narrative writing | The fallen

THE FALLEN

He didn’t mean to kill her.
It was accidental, she slipped away from the cliff so quickly and ever so quietly.

She had accidently let go of his claws while he was pulling her up, but it was his fault for not catching her as she fell.   
He soared down the cliff until he was hovering above her lifeless body. He reached out a claw and brushed her wing aside, revealing deep cuts. Her necklace, which had shattered, lay beside her and the egg she had been holding was in her claws. She had done everything to make sure that the princess egg was not scratched or broken.  
It was up to him to protect the egg now and bring it to Mt. Calabar where his brother, Vexil, would be waiting. He took to the air calmly and quietly, soaring past rocks and Boulders until he was above the ravine. Mt. Calabar was just ahead.

If I could just make it to the cliff.

Lightning burst through the air, striking the trees and setting them alight. Then all of a sudden He was knocked out of the air by a hard and powerful creature. He struggled against the force with his back legs. The egg, which was nestled in his arms, rocked and swayed as he fell.

He hit the ground hard and fast and a scream erupted from his mouth. The creature snatched the egg from his claws and placed it aside. He tried to get up but was pushed back down by the creature.

“WHO ARE YOU!” He screamed, Blasting the creature with flame.
The creature stumbled back and he leaped up staring him straight in the eye.
“Who am I?” The creature chuckled stepping back towards the egg.“Im Vexil”
“Brother?” He stammered, “It can’t be you can it?”
“It is me Copper, your brother” Vexil spat, reaching for the egg.

Copper lept towards his brother and pushed him aside. Vexil smashed into him, pushing him to the ground. Copper blasted fire into his face and then kicked him in the belly and then his brother took to the air.

“I will find you again brother and defeat you” Vexil spat and then he shot upwards.

Copper smelt the smell of old bones and rotten flesh. He felt like throwing up as he moved over to the small egg. The egg shone like a jewel and then it cracked.


The princess was born.

Comments

  1. Anonymous25 June 2017 at 15:04

    Feedback: i loved your simile and your use of the five senses
    Feed forward: try using some adjectives eg ; the deep ravine, the shiny necklace

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous31 July 2017 at 14:44

    Hi Kaitlyn
    This was an amazing piece of writing. It had so many small details that made it so much more exciting.
    Did you come up with this idea yourself or did someone else?
    I really loved reading this
    Charlotte from Oamaru Intermediate School.

    ReplyDelete

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